Cycle #17

{Full Disclaimer: These posts are really, really hard for me to put out there(here?). It is fully displaying me in about my most vulnerable state possible and it’s really hard to open that up to anyone. I have to take a big deep breath and pray really hard before I work up enough courage to press that *publish* button.
I’m committed to being open, honest, and totally real about this experience. The big, ugly, infertility one.
I need to force myself to be willing to accept love and hope from people who have walked this road before me, to share and to teach people who have no idea what infertility is like, and to be there for people who will walk this road someday in the future. But, that requires me to share lots of things I wish I could just keep bottled up inside myself and possibly weep to a few close friends about.}

Today I was going to post about some super cute wall letters that I made this week for Abigail’s room.

 I’ll get to that post eventually.
This morning was the start of cycle #17. Nurse Marge had told me if I made it to cycle day 30 to take a pregnancy test. I’ve had all of my usual PMS symptoms all week, so I KNEW I was out this cycle. Knew. But, I woke up this morning. Went to the bathroom, double checked that nothing had happened in the middle of the night, and then took that test cuz I totally had a good excuse to take one. Nurse Marge told me to!
Of course.
And then I wiped and there was blood. Seriously. Like, two seconds after I took that test. What a cruel joke.
To add to the awesomeness of all of this, my start date means that my monitoring appointments will fall on Christmas Eve and Christmas. So, no monitoring this month. Which means no Ovidrel. And no Letrozole either. Because I am not comfortable taking a medicine that changes my body that much without close monitoring from my Dr.
It all just really, really stinks.
I’ve been totally bombarded with baby deliveries, baby announcements, and gender reveals all month. And as completely self absorbed as this sounds(and it totally is and I hate myself for even thinking it), I cry every time I read about Mary giving birth to Jesus. Because, a sweet baby. Pregnancy. Birth. A Mommy. A son. The whole month of December is consumed with babies. I try so hard to think outside of myself. Because babies are a blessing everywhere, ALL the time. But the hole in my heart when it comes to babies right now is so huge. So large. So gaping. It’s hard to feel much past it.
This is the song I chose to reflect on today to breathe God’s word into my heart:

Scattered words and empty thoughts
seem to pour from my heart
I’ve never felt so torn before
seems I don’t know where to start
but it’s now that I feel Your grace falls like rain
from every fingertip, washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don’t see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
with promises I still seem to bear
even when answers slowly unwind
it’s my heart I see You prepare
but its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
from every finger tip, washing away my pain

The only place I can go is into your arms
where I throw to you my feeble prayers
in brokeness I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know You are near

It always amazes me how certain things can speak to you at different times. I know it is because God’s word is alive and active in me, but I can think back as far as 10 years ago when first I listened to this song and remember that it meant something very different then than it means to me now.

This song spoke directly to my heart this morning. And I cried the entire way while driving to a birthday party. And the people at the stoplight next to me probably thought I was completely bonkers.

But that’s okay.

God did speak to my heart directly today, as He always is.

It still really, really, really hurts right now though.

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  1. I'm so sorry to read this, I was really hoping and praying this would be your cycle. I knew you were coming out of the 2ww and was just about to page you on thebump to ask but decided to stop by here first. Your feelings are totally normal. I think everyone who has gone through IF has had difficulty with all the baby things. I couldn't even go to my friends' showers. There were 3 pregnant at once in my church and I had been married and trying longer than any of them, it was just really hard to deal with. I wanted to be happy for them but I knew if I went and got emotional it would ruin their day.

    The sermon at my church on Sunday had me thinking about you, me and anyone else that has gone through IF. The minister preached on the miracle of Jesus' conception of course but for some reason this year was so drawn to the miracle of John as well and brought it back through to all the others in the Bible that needed a miracle to conceive. I'm a walking testimony of His power still working as well. Hang in there!

  2. Oh Courtney… I have been watching for an update but obviously hoping for a different one. I'm so sorry for the news and for the cruel month. I have been thinking what a kind and gracious friend you are. You have so much strength and character (and even if there are moments when you don't feel it, that is ok!) You're truly a woman I respect. Thank you for rejoicing with me and letting me cry with you in this season. I so wish I could change it. My heart does believe there will be another sweet Spena baby soon. Praying. Much love.

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