I’m committed to being open, honest, and totally real about this experience. The big, ugly, infertility one.
I need to force myself to be willing to accept love and hope from people who have walked this road before me, to share and to teach people who have no idea what infertility is like, and to be there for people who will walk this road someday in the future. But, that requires me to share lots of things I wish I could just keep bottled up inside myself and possibly weep to a few close friends about.}
Today I was going to post about some super cute wall letters that I made this week for Abigail’s room.
Scattered words and empty thoughts
seem to pour from my heart
I’ve never felt so torn before
seems I don’t know where to start
but it’s now that I feel Your grace falls like rain
from every fingertip, washing away my pain
I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don’t see, I still believe
Though the questions still fog up my mind
with promises I still seem to bear
even when answers slowly unwind
it’s my heart I see You prepare
but its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
from every finger tip, washing away my pain
The only place I can go is into your arms
where I throw to you my feeble prayers
in brokeness I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know You are near
It always amazes me how certain things can speak to you at different times. I know it is because God’s word is alive and active in me, but I can think back as far as 10 years ago when first I listened to this song and remember that it meant something very different then than it means to me now.
This song spoke directly to my heart this morning. And I cried the entire way while driving to a birthday party. And the people at the stoplight next to me probably thought I was completely bonkers.
But that’s okay.
God did speak to my heart directly today, as He always is.
It still really, really, really hurts right now though.