I’m committed to being open, honest, and totally real about this experience. The big, ugly, infertility one.
I need to force myself to be willing to accept love and hope from people who have walked this road before me, to share and to teach people who have no idea what infertility is like, and to be there for people who will walk this road someday in the future. But, that requires me to share lots of things I wish I could just keep bottled up inside myself and possibly weep to a few close friends about.}
Today I was going to post about some super cute wall letters that I made this week for Abigail’s room.
Scattered words and empty thoughts
seem to pour from my heart
I’ve never felt so torn before
seems I don’t know where to start
but it’s now that I feel Your grace falls like rain
from every fingertip, washing away my pain
I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don’t see, I still believe
Though the questions still fog up my mind
with promises I still seem to bear
even when answers slowly unwind
it’s my heart I see You prepare
but its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
from every finger tip, washing away my pain
The only place I can go is into your arms
where I throw to you my feeble prayers
in brokeness I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know You are near
It always amazes me how certain things can speak to you at different times. I know it is because God’s word is alive and active in me, but I can think back as far as 10 years ago when first I listened to this song and remember that it meant something very different then than it means to me now.
This song spoke directly to my heart this morning. And I cried the entire way while driving to a birthday party. And the people at the stoplight next to me probably thought I was completely bonkers.
But that’s okay.
God did speak to my heart directly today, as He always is.
It still really, really, really hurts right now though.
Courtney – I've been thinking of you lately. I'm so sorry 🙁
Thanks, Betsy. Hanging in there and just trying again. Maybe this cycle will have something the previous 16 haven't.
I'm so sorry to read this, I was really hoping and praying this would be your cycle. I knew you were coming out of the 2ww and was just about to page you on thebump to ask but decided to stop by here first. Your feelings are totally normal. I think everyone who has gone through IF has had difficulty with all the baby things. I couldn't even go to my friends' showers. There were 3 pregnant at once in my church and I had been married and trying longer than any of them, it was just really hard to deal with. I wanted to be happy for them but I knew if I went and got emotional it would ruin their day.
The sermon at my church on Sunday had me thinking about you, me and anyone else that has gone through IF. The minister preached on the miracle of Jesus' conception of course but for some reason this year was so drawn to the miracle of John as well and brought it back through to all the others in the Bible that needed a miracle to conceive. I'm a walking testimony of His power still working as well. Hang in there!
Oh Courtney… I have been watching for an update but obviously hoping for a different one. I'm so sorry for the news and for the cruel month. I have been thinking what a kind and gracious friend you are. You have so much strength and character (and even if there are moments when you don't feel it, that is ok!) You're truly a woman I respect. Thank you for rejoicing with me and letting me cry with you in this season. I so wish I could change it. My heart does believe there will be another sweet Spena baby soon. Praying. Much love.