I don’t want to write this post

I’ve been thinking about and struggling with this all day. I don’t want to think about it and I don’t want to talk about it. Mostly, I feel like pouting.
 I’m really good at pouting.
I have had a few people call and text me to ask how my suppression ultrasound went today and up until about 4 o’clock this afternoon I really wasn’t even totally sure how it had gone. I was pretty sure. Then I wasn’t. And then I got the phone call, and I really wasn’t.
Here is what is happening.
Our IVF #1 is more than likely going to be cancelled.
At my appointment today I had blood work first thing, an internal ultrasound, an abdominal ultrasound, a SHG(same as the HSG I had in June, except saline instead of dye), and then another internal ultrasound. I dropped off all of our signed consent forms and paid remaining balances on our last IUI. I was supposed to make my IVF down payment today. They didn’t have me pay it.
What we discovered during my internal ultrasound is that I’m “breaking through” my medication.
During this suppression phase the birth control pill is supposed to shut down my hormones to keep me from gearing up to ovulate and the Lupron injection keeps me from producing the Luteinizing hormone that makes me ovulate.
 Instead of doing this my body is stubbornly trying to ovulate on it’s own.
There were already 4 follicles growing in there, ranging from 13-17mm in size. Apparently, my lining is thickening(they want it to be thin)in preparation for ovulating/implantation. My Estradiol levels are at 400.
Initially, they were going to cancel me right out of the gate. But, then they wanted to wait until my blood work came back to make an official call. That meant I had to wait until 4 o’clock.
I drove 3 hours home fully expecting a call letting me know we were completely cancelled.
My phone rings. It’s Nurse Becca.
She says my blood work was “borderline” and they feel they have the hope to lower it with medicine.
 So, now I have to return to KC on Friday for a “last chance” ultrasound and blood work on Friday. We’re hoping that by removing birth control and continuing Lupron that I will start a period, shed the thickened lining, and that my hormones will plummet to the range they need to be. And also that the follicles will reduce in size. At that time we will know for sure whether we are cancelled or not.
I’m going to be honest. I have pretty much 0% of hope that this will work. I’ll go through the motions and take the medicine I’m supposed to for the next 3 days, but I’m fully prepared for a cancellation on Friday. You want everything to be absolutely perfect going into your cycle. You can’t risk anything being wrong or incorrect. And that’s why I think we won’t be moving forward.
The soonest the embryologists can schedule us back in for an egg retrieval is June 10th. So, we’ll probably just start trying again in Mid-May.
Tonight, at bedtime before we started to pray Abigail randomly says, “Can we pray for a baby?”
Torrents of tears, friends.
Jesus, nothing is wasted.

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  1. Thanks girls. Praying for a miracle between now and Friday so that we can continue with this cycle. If not, we're praying that we will be at peace and rest in the waiting until our next opportunity to try.

  2. Courtney, I'm so sorry to hear this. I know how disappointing it can be to feel like a cycle isn't going to work out and that all your plans are falling through despite all the work/pain you've gone through. On our first cycle, only 2 of our 8 eggs fertilized, and I was convinced none of them would make it to transfer day. And now, when I called my doc to report cycle day 1, they called back to tell me that my cycle would conflict with my RE's vacation time and that we'd have to wait another month to start again. So, on the bright side, it sounds like we might be "cycle buddies." – Kimberly, fellow IVFer

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