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Due Date

March 5th, 2014.

Today is my due date.

This is a day that I have been simultaneously ignoring, forgetting, dreading, loathing, hating, resenting, cringing, fretting, counting down to, and then somehow, ultimately, looking forward to.

It’s strange.

My situation was entirely unique, in that, while I knew my babies existed from the very literal first day, and while I worked so hard to keep them, and while I went into a deep depression when I lost them so soon, the date that would have been theirs was one that I didn’t want to know.

In the first year of our trying to get pregnant, every stinking cycle, I would pull up the babycenter due date calculator and figure out when our next bundle of joy was expected to arrive. But, as month after month after month passed and countless other women announced dates that I felt should have been mine, it was too painful to keep doing to myself. So, I deleted the due date calculator/predictor and I stopped thinking about what ovulation date corresponded with which delivery month.

Then, I had an IVF cycle. We made 8 little babies during the 2nd week of June. I carried 2 of them. And I lost them all.

For months afterward, I tried not to think about the day that would have been theirs. But, eventually, I caved. I needed to know. How far along would I have been right now. What would I have been buying. Or feeling. Or preparing for if they were still here.

March 5th.
So, ever since, the clock has been ticking down the minutes, hours, and days until finally, my babies day is here. And instead of absolutely, 100% wasting away my day over loss, I’ve chosen to celebrate them. To remember them. To acknowledge them. To thank God for them and their brief little lives.

It sounds crazy, but they changed me entirely.

Abigail changed me once.

These little ones changed me all over again.

So that brings me to today.

What did I do today to celebrate my littlest ones?

Well, I experienced pain. Unknown. Nervousness. A little bit of fear.

When I should have been laboring away to bring them into this world, I instead shed tears with a dear friend and sat through{a comparatively short amount of time} a time of pain- emotionally and physically- to commemorate my little ones forever.

Shall I show it to you?

I’m so proud of it. And them.

 A small dandelion with 8 seeds blowing away.

8 for my small ones.

The last two are connected. My little twins, my sweet ones that I carried and knew the longest.
I absolutely adore it.

I was telling my friend that everything about them feels sad. From the start it was stress and then sadness. But today? Today felt….happy. They are a part of my story and will be, forever. They are real and now I have something tangible that I can look at and think of them, and smile.

Because I love them so.

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  1. I love your tattoo. It's beautiful. I'm so glad you had someone to cry with today. Grieving is normal and I'm so glad you're not trying to hold it all in. Big hugs to you my friend.

  2. So beautiful!! A foot tattoo is my next one! (I already have one on my wrist) I love that you are doing this. I think it would be good for me to do as well. I have always loved dandelions and their "wishes". Thinking of you today!


  3. The ability to turn a day like today into a happy one for you is something that took me several years to do. You will always love them no matter how long it has been. And that tattoo really is a beautiful reminder and celebration of their life, even if it was short. Thank you for reminding me that is is ok to be sad and happy at the same time. 🙂

  4. Reading this I was in tears. When I saw the tattoo and the eight little seeds it turned into sobs. It is so, so beautiful, Courtney.

    Praying for you today and always.

  5. I love your tattoo. My due date is March 9th. I found out I was pregnant on July 1st, 2013, and when I was 11 weeks 3 days, I had an ultrasound that showed an abnormal NT reading. I then had a CVS procedure, and found out on August 26th that the baby had numerous chromosomal issues and was "incompatible with life" and was also risking my life. On August 28th I terminated the pregnancy. Hardest most unfair thing ever. So, I somewhat get what you're going through. I don't know if I have ever commented before, but I really enjoy your blog!

  6. I'm a pretty new follower so I wasn't around for the story to start. However I think this is a very sweet way to honor your babies. I'm glad you are finding some piece. Thank you for sharing your story. just beautiful.

  7. Hi! I follow on IG and new here to reading your blog. I've been thinking about this post a lot lately, and it really hurts my heart to know that someone/people/ you have gone through this. I can only imagine how hard it must be to lose a child in any state of pregnancy or life, but to try so hard at making one and put your mind, body and emotions through such a rollercoaster and still, nothing. I admire your strength, and bravery, I would not be able to do wall that you have done. I love your tattoo, and the meaning behind it!

  8. Thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts and your story of loss and then a peace and happiness!

  9. I just came upon this as I was reading back through your blog. God bless you girl. I know it was a little bit ago but what a sweet and beautiful reminder. And I am so glad you were blessed with Miss Mabel

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