My situation was entirely unique, in that, while I knew my babies existed from the very literal first day, and while I worked so hard to keep them, and while I went into a deep depression when I lost them so soon, the date that would have been theirs was one that I didn’t want to know.
In the first year of our trying to get pregnant, every stinking cycle, I would pull up the babycenter due date calculator and figure out when our next bundle of joy was expected to arrive. But, as month after month after month passed and countless other women announced dates that I felt should have been mine, it was too painful to keep doing to myself. So, I deleted the due date calculator/predictor and I stopped thinking about what ovulation date corresponded with which delivery month.
Then, I had an IVF cycle. We made 8 little babies during the 2nd week of June. I carried 2 of them. And I lost them all.
For months afterward, I tried not to think about the day that would have been theirs. But, eventually, I caved. I needed to know. How far along would I have been right now. What would I have been buying. Or feeling. Or preparing for if they were still here.
It sounds crazy, but they changed me entirely.
Abigail changed me once.
So that brings me to today.
What did I do today to celebrate my littlest ones?
Well, I experienced pain. Unknown. Nervousness. A little bit of fear.
Shall I show it to you?
I’m so proud of it. And them.
The last two are connected. My little twins, my sweet ones that I carried and knew the longest.
I was telling my friend that everything about them feels sad. From the start it was stress and then sadness. But today? Today felt….happy. They are a part of my story and will be, forever. They are real and now I have something tangible that I can look at and think of them, and smile.
Because I love them so.