Not Pregnant
Back in August of 2011(yep, you read that year correctly)when we first started trying for baby #2, my Mama was still working at a crisis pregnancy center in Kansas City. She was able to hook me up with a stack of free pregnancy tests, that I put to very good use.
When she brought them to me I thought it was absolutely hilarious and preposterous that someone would need that many pregnancy tests. Yet. Here we are. Almost 2 years later.
Last cycle I used up my very last free pregnancy test. I didn’t think it mattered because it was going to be an IVF month and I’d have a blood test before I even needed to test at home. Then my cycle was canceled. So, much to my chagrin and annoyance I had to buy my first pregnancy test in…well…almost ever(my test with Abigail was a freebie from the pregnancy center too.) I decided I was tired of staring at one line every month, so I went for the big guns. Pregnant or Not Pregnant. Now that I’m reflecting on it, I think one line is easier to swallow than a glaring NOT PREGNANT. But, now I know that.
Let’s reflect on everything that went into this cycle(This was cycle #21):
A SHG to clear my tubes. A lot of times Dr’s say there is an increased chance of conception following these tests(I had a HSG in July of 2012) because it can remove any blockage and “pave the way” for all those swimmers to get where they need to go.
3, almost 4, mature follicles.
A shot of Ovidrel in my stomach to make me ovulate at a specific time.
Perfectly timed intercourse.
Baby aspirin. Prenatals. Progesterone suppositories 2x a day for the entire 2 week wait.
And it still wasn’t enough.
It still didn’t work.
This morning after I tested I came down with this awful sickness. Hot flashes, cold chills, headaches, extreme nausea. Trips back and forth from bed to bathroom. Over and over. I don’t know if it’s from the meds. If it is pms. Or if it’s just the culmination of me being completely stressed out for the past two weeks(months?) and not really recognizing it. Either way, it was terrible and I hope it doesn’t happen again.
I’m just waiting for my period to show up now. I don’t know if it will be different since I was on birth control this past month, but once it does, I’ll email my Dr. Get our new IVF protocol/calendar and we can now proceed with IVF 1.5.
I really feel like getting canceled last month took the wind out of my sails about this IVF process. Last month I had all of my meds, the timing was going to be perfect, my body was going to respond perfectly. Hopes were so high. And now? I just feel so blah. It’s probably just because of today, but today I feel like I don’t even want to do this. Mainly, because I just wish I had gotten pregnant any other way than this one.
I just keep telling myself that if this works. It will have all been worth it.
Big hugs. I don't know how you do it.
By the grace of God, somehow I find it in me to just keep chugging along. There are hard days that are hard to get through. There's no denying that.
You poor thing! I know IVF can and is a roller coaster but I think having the courage it one of the hardest parts.
You are right. It's so easy to want to give up and not even try. Courage is a good word for it- one that I had never considered before. Thanks for sharing!
You are such a strong Mama. Praying for you!
Thank you, Candace.