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My heart

This little girl is my heart
She walks around.
 She runs.
 She plays in this big, big, world.
She has no idea how I can physically ache with fear and trepidation for her.
My heart sprints and races and grows faster than I can even keep up with it.
As a stay at home mama, I can control our environment all of the time. All of it. I’m the one who safely drives her around. I’m the one who baby proofs our house, knows where the chemicals live, and how high to keep the knives. I’m the one who holds her hand in the parking lot. I’m the one who walks with her to the park. I’m the one who makes sure she doesn’t choke while she eats her lunch. I’m the one who controls what music she hears, what shows she watches, and how she learns to speak.
But, sometimes. Sometimes. There are moments and events where that control is gone.
It is breath taking and shocking and hard to know how to grasp your heart back to yourself to protect it and keep anything scary or bad from happening to it.
I’m pretty sure you’ll roll your eyes at me and call me a “first time Mom” when you hear what I’m talking about. But, what happened today truly terrified me.
We were at MOPS at a local church(that is ginormous). It’s always hard for me to leave her, because she’s in a place I don’t know. She is with people I don’t know. In a room I’ve never been allowed to see because they don’t let parents back where the children are. I appreciate that, I do. But, it’s also scary because it’s an unknown.
Today, towards the end of our meeting the fire alarms started going off. It wasn’t planned. It wasn’t scheduled. Was this real? Was this a drill? What was the protocol? No one had ever told the Mom’s these things. This isn’t my church. What am I supposed to do?
They told everyone to go outside. The kids and teachers started streaming past.
I saw the door to Abigail’s class open and all of the kiddos from her class go by.
She wasn’t with them.
I went into her room for the first time. It was empty.
I walked around the childrens area. It was empty.
I went outside and there were people everywhere. I asked some women if they had seen where they were taking our babies. People didn’t know. I felt like everyone was completely calm and rational and I was the only one with terror in my face and fear bubbling up and over.
I scanned the crowd and finally spotted her(high five for putting her in neon yellow pants today.)
A worker was holding her and she was screaming and crying.
My baby was scared and a stranger was holding her.
I raced to her and grabbed her and held her and comforted her(while thinking to myself…she just let me take a child from her…what if someone else had done that instead of me….?)
I couldn’t handle this today. I mean, I almost had a maniacal, crazy person meltdown there in the middle of a parking lot.
It ended up just being a drill(I guess?) and everyone went back inside like it was all cool. Which, it was. Nothing “bad” had actually happened.
But, I couldn’t put my girl back in the nursery. There was no way.
We went and got her bags and she sat with me the rest of the time. And I held her close. And I told her how much I loved her. And she snuggled into me. And I thanked God for not only giving her to me but for protecting her even in the times when I can’t be right there with her.
I realize this will happen more and more as she grows up. I will have to let her go. She will ride in cars with someone else. She will play at someone else’s house. She will travel, and play, and explore. Without me.
Today was a good reminder. Although she is my child, she was given to me. She belongs to God and I have to trust Him with her.
And I know that I can.
After all, He loves her even more than I do.

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10 Comments

  1. Oh my goodness, I would have been a hot mess! I've told Brian my love for our girl is so intense it's scary sometimes, and how will I handle two girls with that my love and concern? Such a great reminder… They belong to God. I'm soo glad he loves them more!

    1. I was thinking about that as I was searching for my one little girl. There are moms that come who have 2,3,4 kiddos with them. If that was me I'd have definitely been shouting like a lunatic. I'm thankful that I only had one to search out yesterday.

      But, even then, He still would have looked out for any more that I'd had with me:)

  2. I would have reacted the same way and isn't that an amazing to think about? The He loves them more than us, hard for my mind to comprehend because my love for my daughter is huge.
    P.S.- The pictures are beautiful 🙂

    1. It's incredibly hard to comprehend. It's so big and vast, but also so close and personal. I'm so thankful I can trust in his sovereignty.

      Thanks 🙂 They're our beach pics from last August. I am so excited to have them done again this year!

  3. Oh that's so scary! I would have done the same thing. It's so hard to let go. I still hate that feeling when I drop Aubrey off at kindergarten. She loves school and I am comfortable with her being there but it's that letting go that's so hard for me. I don't know how to explain it. But I really did love this post <3

    1. I think, it's the having to let go in a potentially bad or scary situation. You can trust the people to take wonderful care of your babies in a stress free situation, but when something unexpected happens, what will they do? Would it be the same as what you would do? Probably not. And that's hard to reconcile, and what I think is lurking underneath the surface that gives us that uneasy feeling.

      Thank goodness God is so much bigger and better than I am! To be able to rest in his sovereignty is such a gift.

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