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Today, I am Rachel.

voice was heard in Ramah,
Lamentation, weeping, and great mourning,
Rachel weeping for her children,
Refusing to be comforted,
Because they are no more.”
~Matthew 2:18~
Jim and I had the blessing of making 8 sweet little babies.
5 we lost before we could help them
1 we lost because I couldn’t carry it too and he/she never made it to freeze
2 sweet, beautiful, precious little babies that I had the gift and the
pleasure and the honor of carrying for an entire week before they were lost to us as well.
I keep trying to think of a silver lining here. Light hearted things that will make it “easier”. Oh hey! I can eat and drink whatever I want now! Woohoo! I can keep wearing my size 6’s! I can keep sleeping through the
night! Or even, oh thank goodness. I’m so glad to be done with treatment! All the needles and the pills and the blah blah.
But, the reality is, none of those things, even remotely- remotely- come close to
touching the total devastation and sadness that has consumed my heart over the
loss of my little embryo babies. Little babies that were half me and half Jim.
Little babies that I should have gotten to hold in my arms months from now but
instead, I will have to carry them in my heart as long as I live.
Today and for what I expect to be a very long time, I am Rachel.

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  1. Oh I'm so very sorry, Courtney. My heart is breaking for you. I'm praying for comfort & peace for you. (Hugs)

  2. I'm very sorry. I sadly know that feeling of loss all too well. I pray for peace for you and your sweet family going forward.

  3. I, too, am sitting here on my couch weeping with you. My heart is so heavy for you and your precious family. All I can tell you is that I am so sorry and that I'm praying for you guys. I wish you weren't going through this. Lots of hugs from Kansas City.

  4. I am so very sorry for your loss, Courtney. You have been so heavy on my heart the past few days and I have been lifting you up in prayer. Will continue to do so.

  5. I found your blog through a DIY and I've been reading back through some of your posts. I am so very sorry for your loss, I will keep you in my prayers as you go through this incredibly difficult time! I hope you will find comfort through Jesus Christ, who descended below all things, and is the only one who truly knows the depth of your pain. I know He will heal you with time!!

    1. I absolutely LOVED this: "Jesus Christ, who descended below all things and is the only one who truly knows the depth of your pain" WOW. Nail on the head and so, so beautiful.

      Thank you for commenting.

  6. Courtney, I'm so sorry this cycle didn't work for you guys. I'm heartbroken for you. I know how devastating it is to do all that work and end up with nothing to show for it. It hurts. A lot. I am hoping and praying for you to find some comfort and peace in the days/weeks to come. I also hope that you will have a chance to try again if and when you are ready. Sending lots of hugs and happy thoughts your way.

    -Kimberly, fellow IVFer

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